what · this · is

ok here it is. 16 random things about me:

1. i did not plan to live past age 18 so i was woefully unprepared for life when i turned 18 and didnt spontaneously com-bust. its turning out better than i wouldve planned.

2. i have a moment of satisfaction when i type a document and spell check doesnt find any corrections that need to be made.

3. i grew up with no impulse control whatsoever. i was a horrific child. thats improved quite a bit.

4. in high school i slapped a girl across the face with her own shoe. i felt justified back then but now feel sorry & ashamed that i did that & hope she doesnt still think about it.

5. pleasing environmental aesthetics are hugely important to me.

6. i communicate & feel love best through touch.

7. i dont believe in categorizing people as "good" or "bad". those words are inaccurate oversimplifications.

8. i love the feeling of looking at something thats so beautiful, it hurts.

9. i love things that make me think - word jumbles, IQ tests, the psychology of humans, strategies, putting together ikea furniture...

10. i cannot stand to be bored.

11. i can usually find the good in a situation.

12. im learning to live with love taking up a bigger part of my life than fear does.

13. ive always been fairly comfortable with who i am.

14. ive never felt unhappy while in the ocean.

15. i tend to stand behind what i believe even if everyone in the immediate vicinity disagrees.

16. i admire honesty - i like that people disagree & have different beliefs & opinions. i find people interesting, i dont need everyone to agree with me.

17. sometimes i miss the freedom of living irresponsibly but i dont miss the consequences.

18. my favorite thing to do is love.

that was 18.

This is fantastic. A group of elementary school kids covering T.I.'s song "Whatever You Like" changing all the words to make it a political debate - "You Can Vote However You Like".



Obama on the left
McCain on the right
We can talk politics all night
And you can vote however you like
You can vote however you like, yeah

Democratic left
Republican right
November 4th we decide
And you can vote however you like
You can vote however you like, yeah

( Complete Lyrics )

This is so fucked up.

"GOMAG.COM
Islamic Clerks Ban 'Tomboys' in Malaysia
by Quinn Wonderling
October 28, 2008
Last week Malaysia's National Fatwa Council, the country's main body of Islamic clerics, issued an edict banning 'tomboys,' saying that a girl acting like a boy violates the rules of Islam.
National Fatwa Council chairman Abdul Shukor Husin commented, "It is unacceptable to see women who love the male lifestyle including dressing in the clothes men wear," and went on to add that such women's behavior is a rejection of their femininity and thus goes against human nature.
The ban has allegedly been implemented because of an increasing number of girls who are displaying 'tomboy-like' behavior, some of whom are also engaging in lesbianism. Due to a law that prohibits sex acts "against the order of nature," homosexuality is essentially illegal in Malaysia.
Harussani Idris Zakaria, the mufti of northern Perak state, who attended the Council's meeting, said that girls will now be forbidden to have short haircuts, or walk, dress, or act like boys. He explained the decision, saying, "They must respect God. God created them as boys, they must behave like boys. God created them as girls, they must act like girls."
Though the clerics' rulings are not national law, the country's large percentage of Muslims often treat them as such. Exact punishment for violating the ban has not been specified."

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NFPC - The Artist

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sometimes im hanging out, not doin much - or really busy and doing a lot. and ill be struck by how much i miss my friends. i start to get sad. but then i think about how its nice to have people to miss. and its not so bad.

sometimes i come across something i wrote to someone else. i always experience a moment of regret. when i write, i give away a lot that i wouldnt give any other way. open up access to my head - sometimes heart. letters to certain people i never re-read. i know itll be too revealing not to regret it - so i dont remind myself what ive said. but then i think theres a little bit of enjoyment in knowing real parts of me are floating around out there. something satisfying about knowing whatever it is people think of you, youre not a fraud. i suppose id rather be judged for the truth than for a facade.

sometimes i pass someone who smells like someone i know. we all do. it used to irritate me that who i smelled wasnt who it was. lately whenever it happens and its someone entirely different than who i expect, it makes me think about how we're really not all that much different. CEO's and musicians wear the same perfume. the custodian at work smells the same as a fetish model friend of mine. which is kinda weird.

sometimes, often actually, im tired of this city. the thing i miss the most might be the sky. i love wide open sky and theres not much here. and then things happen like i look out my window and the sky is purple. lavender really, all the way to the ground. and thats a pretty good thing to see in the city.

so i think, the way i see it - at least right now - i start out existing in a basic neutral state. things happen, outside experiences impact my reality. well, i can dive off the cliff into the debts of negativity, i know how to spiral indefinitely there. but i also can look at what i do have, the parts that make me happy instead of whats wrong. because i think maybe theres something wrong with everything. if thats true mightn't mean theres something good about everything too?

misery is easy. it hurts and its easy to collapse there. but its familiar and in its own way, safe. if youre miserable and hopeless, theres no where else to fall. hope is hard. and scary. and love is terrifying. joy - joy i dont even know how to look joy in the face. the prospect of it and the risk of having it and later being without it - it makes me too uncertain to stand there and face it.

but lately sometimes im able to glance at it.

i dont feel entirely fantastic. i stayed home, i had stomach cramps - not sick, virus kind - more like emotional, anxiety and/or my body rebelling to over-stimulation too early in the morning - kind.
im not sure exactly what i want to do next. maybe go back to sleep. its probably the best thing i could do, i havent been sleeping enough but mostly because sitting here over analyzing every aspect of my life would not be beneficial.

there isnt really a lot to "figure out". any uncertainty that exists is primarily created by emotions or fear and any uncertainty that isn't - well, analyzing that doesnt change or resolve anything. you just end up stewing in it, making decisions or creating worry about things that have no real life relevance. honestly, when was the last time dissecting my head ended up creating any resolution.

usually when i feel anything other than what i identify as a positive state, i feel like i need to "do" something about it. but not today. i am attempting to allow myself to be where i am, which is a little guarded, uncertain, and well - catlike in that "im spending the afternoon curled up on top of a shelf where i can observe everything but not participate unless i see something undeniably engaging" way.

which actually isnt a negative state. its closer to neutral. but in allowing that state it keeps me from venturing further down the line to the - questioning everything and having second thoughts about any and everything - state.
so i will end here before writing about not being in that state inadvertently causes me to end up exactly there.

im in full pout mode. im cold and kinda dont know what to do with myself and need snuggling. and id like a side of adoration to go with my snuggling. so the pout is on.
yes i know im being high maintenance.
maybe ill go around and flop into different pillow piles and sigh.
i guess i could put on clothes and that might help but im too busy pouting.

so i really did injure myself. i have a cut cornea. itll be ok, theyre gonna check it again tomorrow. i have 3 different eye drops for it and they did some kind of topical surgery on it right away. it hurts and my vision is blurred but itll heal soon.
a note to all the femmes out there: if your eyelashes are tangled together, just leave them alone.
talk about vanity backfiring. my eye is swelling shut.
at least im not being forced to wear a pirate patch.
and thank you guys for the feel better wishes and stuff.
xox

im covered in them :( i stabbed myself in the eye with tweezers last night. the slanted extra sharp precision ones. i thought itd be better by morning. its not. im going to the dr for a vanity injury.

i did one of those - super high maintenance - showers last night and accidentally exfoliated off some skin i still needed. now i have abrasions on my collar bone, shoulder blade, elbow and chest.

last night - pre accident, i was thinking about the fact that sometimes i like to be catered to, treated like im special and spoiled. i was wondering if im too much of a princess, too high maintenance and overly concerned with my appearance.

seeing as now i have to drag into my doctors office and admit that i injured myself in the pursuit of physical attractiveness, i guess this is a very direct unmistakable answer to that.

this morning a group of construction workers stopped me to say they liked my skirt.
they all stood there grinning, looking very proud and expectant.
ive gotta give them points for creativity.
that was pretty good.

it feels like lonely bunnies.
thats all i know right now.
that, and that i have to pee.
and that im sqeezing my insurance for pilaties.
that made me feel a little better...

this also makes me feel better.

its really interesting to know an artist well. the better you know them, the more you can see in their work.

i like looking at photos, i do it often. usually when i look at images i think about the person or place or thing in the image. so i let that thought reverse.

i looked, thinking about the person who took them. what their life was like when they made that image. who was in their life, what were they thinking about, what else happened that day. what their relationship was to what or who was in the photo. who they were then. what the sun felt like that day. what it sounded like. thinking about that they had been to all of these places in the photographs, actually seen with their own eyes, breathed and felt what i was looking at in the photo.

thinking the photographers story is as much of a part of the image as anything else.

i looked, thinking about my eyes getting to see through theirs and how its a chance to see what it was that someone else looked at and thought was worth capturing.
and through images, watching how that view changes and evolves. watching growth from the inside.

its kind of the closest you can get to walking in someone else shoes. it struck me that no matter where that person is, or how old the photos are - as long as those images exist, its kind of like a little bit of the person who created them is still there, telling a story or a feeling, letting you in and showing you something that meant something to them.
memories can be sacred and private. sometimes dearer than the present.

its kind of magic for someone to put down a piece of their memory and let you see it.

the most difficult chia pet ever. ive decided this because chia pets are supposed to be easy, they look easy, from the outside seem like not much of a hassle and all you have to do is take them out of the box and water them.

i am the chia pet that has found a way to make this hard. theres a zillion of us - people, right? and we're all basically the same - seems like this whole existing thing should be somewhat automatic. but somewhere along the way i erased all my factory settings and picked up my own which at this point, are more of a hassle than a help. so most of the skills and instincts i came with are completely undeveloped and unused.

so right now im kind of like a chia pet who got out of the box, doesnt know how to let itself be watered and wonders why its not growing because after all - it is sitting in the same room as the water.

oh, and being a thriving growing thing requires other people.
who knew?

so for every thing i come across that i realize i need to relearn - it reinforces how little i know. which tonight made me feel as basic and blank as a naked chia pet. and theres reason for that.
basically i have a lot of growing to do.
which i suspect, will never end.

and for the record, ive officially decided myspace is dumb. it finally made my brain start trying to run out of my ears.

hi! im playing with this new toy and its fun cause it lets you call things whatever you want.